Slave Girls (1967)

Title		Slave Girls (AKA Prehistoric Women)
Origin		UK, 1967
Genre		Adventure: Cavegirl
Director		Michael Carreras
Starring		Martine Beswick, Edina Ronay, Michael Latimer
Music		Carlo Martelli
Blurb		Beaten into submission ... turned into slaves ... man at the mercy of a Kingdom of Prehistoric Women!

In 1966 Hammer produced One Million Years BC, and Raquel Welch's iconic performance made it a surprise smash hit. This classic still holds up well even today. The following year came Slave Girls, Martine Beswick this time, having already proved her catfighting cavegirl credentials, taking the starring role. In as much as it is remembered at all, this quickie follow-up is remembered for all the wrong reasons. Recently it gained a new lease of life after being included (under the title Prehistoric Women) in the Optimum Hammer collection, a selection much to the disgust of many sour and humourless individuals. Never having seen it before I was keen to give it an independent evaluation.

Our hero is David Marchant (Michael Latimer), an African game hunting guide. It sounds like every man's dream existence, but escorting doltish tourists into the jungle when they cannot even shoot straight is not giving David job satisfaction.

The story begins when an unusually boorish would-be hunter fires at but only wounds a leopard. Kind-hearted David stalks the suffering animal into the trees to put it out of its misery.

Ominous rhinocerous.

A sly over-the-shoulder glance to see if that girl's pants have fallen all the way down yet.

Temple of the White Rhinocerous - careful of what you touch!

Delving deeper into the jungle David notices strange carvings on the trees. They are the symbol of the Cult of the White Rhinocerous, and a warning that "Pale Ones" should stay away. Inevitably the hunter himself is soon bagged by a hunting party of natives. They further emphasise to him the importance of the Cult of the White Rhinocerous. Indeed a mountain is even shaped in the form of a giant rhinocerous, and the tribesmen point at it. It looks like David may have to die.

The party approach a clearing with their white captive. Watching cautiously from the shadows they observe a group of dancers arrive. At this point, just short of ten minutes in, a staid and relatively normal build-up suddenly turned, to my great delight, completely insane. And the madness doesn't let up until the very end.

It probably looked sensible enough on paper. The High Priest and his acolytes, in ceremonial robes and rhino masks, lead out the procession of dancers. The drums beat, and the dancers gyrate vigorously. (One girl's pants gyrate so vigorously they slip down her hips exposing part of her bottom cleavage. Back in 1967 this must have been very stimulating. In 2009, I am pleased to confirm, it is still very stimulating!) On screen the effect defies description. It is pure delirium. We will be seeing many more such dance numbers, almost enough to make it a musical.

The dancing reaches its climax and the High Priest has David dragged into a cave. The Temple of the White Rhinocerous! So this is the end - David is going to be sacrificed after all. And to put the finishing touch on a really bad day, it has started to rain.

In paradise with a beautiful bird.

No need for any more crap bird jokes, there's a proper one here!

If you're going to get beaten up you might as well enjoy it.

Suddenly things go "a bit like Doctor Who" and David slips away through a time warp into the past. Blimey! This new world seems a lot better than the old one, and not just because it's stopped raining. You could almost call it a paradise. Think of the home of the Shell People in 10⁶yBC. Because that's almost exactly what it is, the sets and costumes having been recycled from Hammer's earlier epic.

And what manner of delicate creature do we have here? It's Saria (Edina Ronay). She is strangely beautiful, with huge white eyes, and such heavy brow ridges that I bet you'd find pure Neanderthal in her bloodline if you went back two or three generations. She is fated to be David's principal love interest, but for now she just thumps him. Not always a bad sign, and he's going to have to get used to being thumped on a regular basis anyway.

By the Pool First encounter with Queen Kari.

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(1:19 min, 1008 x 432, 8MB)

Such as by a tribe of darker and less attractive women. They drag him in front of their Queen Kari (Martine Beswick). She happens to be bathing by a waterfall, completely in the nude. She eyes David curiously and cheerfully teases him for not wearing proper clothes. I can't help thinking they got this bit the wrong way around. At least Kari seems to have taken a bit of a fancy to him, and this should give him some leverage later on.

The women of the tribe of Dark Ones, under the dominion of Queen Kari, have enslaved the women of the tribe of Fair Ones. Meaning the Dark Ones wear leather and carry whips, and the Fair Ones wear antelope-skin bikinis and must perform cheesy dance numbers for Her Majesty whenever the whim takes her. Oh, and each is also destined to one day become a Bride of the White Rhinocerous (ie. a ritual human sacrifice).

Hard at work in the men's room.

The ceremony of selection. "The bride will be..."

"...Amyak!"

So where are the menfolk in all this? Locked away in a cave that's where. And manacled to the bellows too - if they're lucky! An elderly gentleman (who could be the inspiration for the "It's" man from Monty Python) fills David in on the details. It appears that the Fair Ones were once the masters, but pride and vanity were their downfall. Can David help the men break free and overthrow the rule of cruel Queen Kari and her Cult of the White Rhinocerous? Or do you reckon he doesn't stand a chance and you might as well just switch off right now?

Martine Beswick is perfect in the role as the wicked and domineering beauty, equally at home in a catfight as soaking in a bubble-bath. Or even having strange concourse with mysterious spirits lurking in the jungle! In fact the cast all perform their parts well, at least judged on the film's own terms. It actually seems to help that all the beauties are a bit "different" looking. Such as Amyak (Stephanie Randall), a slim, ramrod-straight blonde who never smiles. Not once, ever, in her whole life. Her girlfriends bedeck her with feathers, flowers and sea-shells, but still she never smiles. It didn't stop me starting to fancy her though.

The pace is steady and compelling throughout, director (and screenwriter) Michael Carreras keeping up an unrelenting barrage of ludicrous imagery and situations. And all in deadly earnest with not even a hint of irony. Even the fact that the action is entirely confined to the studio becomes not so much a flaw but another aspect of otherworldliness. Though I'm not so keen on the anamorphic lens that causes such distortion that the image looks as if it's being projected on the side of a biscuit barrel.

Show Must Go On Kari expects the dancing to continue, no matter how flippin' "sad" the women are.

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(2:24 min, 1008 x 432, 13.7MB)

One high point of daftness occurs when the spokeswoman of the Fair Ones petitions the Queen that they are in no mood to dance after one of their number has died. (Why am I being diplomatic? Kari killed her after she threw a stop over the dining arrangements. See the Slave Girls clip on Youtube). She phrases her request in an absolutely "elite level" silly line.

At last we must leave the world of the prehistoric women, fond memories cemented by a gloriously absurd final moment. I warmly recommend Slave Girls to anyone who just wants to enjoy a film and doesn't insist that judged by some rational standard it is actually any good.

Ratings

Quality: 3/10   Fun: 9/10

Review copy

Publisher		Optimum Releasing
Format		DVD Region 2, PAL 16:9 (2.35:1 letterbox)
Certificate		PG (UK)
Image		Good, slightly grainy. Original anamorphic image is distorted.